day 13day 13- a letter to someone
Dear Hadley,
I'm sitting here watching you sleep on your blanket on the floor, listening to your little sighs while River Flows in You by Yiruma plays in the background. It's a beautiful song, and your calm happy noises blend with it and just make me feel peaceful.
You are so beautiful. I don't know where you got it... Probably your daddy. You don't look much like me, and I sometimes feel that you're lucky. I've never felt very beautiful. Your daddy makes me feel beautiful, but I think it's different to be beautiful and to feel beautiful. I can feel beautiful, but I don't think I will ever be beautiful. You are, and always will be. I mean that. I'm not just saying it because I'm your mommy.
I am not sure how I feel right now... Confused, I guess. I'm scared when I think about Daddy deploying. I'm happy to be your mommy. I'm scared of doing this alone while Daddy is gone, and I'm sad that he is going to miss so many milestones and memories with you. I am looking forward to letting you meet your family when we visit. I don't feel confident in my abilities as a mom... I am terrified of messing up. I want to give you everything you need, make you feel loved and cherished, smart, beautiful, and I want to help you grow up to be a capable, fulfilled, happy girl. I am not sure I can do that. But I'm going to try. I will give it my all, and hopefully that will be enough.
Sometimes I feel like a failure... You cry all day some days, no matter what I do or don't do, but as soon as Daddy holds you, all is well in the world. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I wish I could fix it. I know you love me and need me, and it makes me feel so much better when you smile or reach for me when I come in the room, even if you're laying next to Daddy.
Ok, I've blabbered on for a while now... Just know that Mommy and Daddy love you more than we ever knew was possible. You are a joy and a blessing.
Love,
Mommy
