Fears... And cleaning, and stretch marks.

Have I mentioned that I'm scared? I'm terrified. I keep remembering my recovery from gallbladder surgery, and wanting to cry. That was four little 1" incisions, and this will be one 6"-8" incision. Those tiny cuts were excruciating. They healed so slowly, and I don't even want to think about how it felt when they started to pull open from the throwing up. I know that this surgery doesn't involve my digestive system, so I shouldn't have all the throwing up and complications that I had then, but I'm still terrified. I can't help but worry that it will happen again. I will go in for a routine surgery, and end up in the hospital for 5 days, heavily sedated because I can't stop throwing up blood and acid. Why can't my body just be NORMAL?

I'm scared that all of that will happen and I won't get to cuddle and bond with Hadley, not to mention breastfeeding. I really don't want her to have any formula. At all. Not even a little. Maybe I feel so strongly about it because it's like the only thing I have a little control over. It's the one thing that I'm confident that my body CAN do. I don't want that to be taken away.

I'm done complaining... But I would really appreciate any encouragement, advice, and prayers. I can do this. I have got to be strong.

On another note...

I am trying to keep up with the house. It likes dust... I honestly think our little apartment invites the dust from all the other apartments over for play dates. Maybe it's lonely? Anyway, I cleaned the pitiful floors, and now we can walk around without wiping dust off our feet every few minutes. I know it sounds like I never clean, but the floor gets dusty like that within 2 days of being swept and mopped. I organized and straightened rooms, threw away trash, and washed the bathroom rug. I also folded and put away all the clean clothes and washed a load of Sam's uniforms. I'm really trying to keep the laundry from piling up but it seems to be winning. I can't handle taking big heavy loads of wet laundry down 2 flights of stairs to the dryer because it makes my contractions worse.

I still haven't touched Hadley's room. We really need to get bookshelves before I feel safe going in there and unpacking anything. She has a nice, cozy nook in our room anyway. And two whole drawers of her own!

Oh, I found more stretch marks. Even with slathering my belly with lotion all the time, the stupid things still manage to show up. It makes me wish I had a little "extra padding" on my belly, because maybe then my skin wouldn't be stretched to the limit. This is probably the only time in my life that you will see me saying that I wish I weighed more. And as it is, I feel like a whale. I don't feel fat; I know I'm not... But I feel HUGE. Other than having another baby someday, I do not intend to ever be this big again.

I'm sorry, this is really an insanely long blog. Forgive me!